


smithereens

by voidstonem



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Donghyuck Has Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, This is heavy, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Whump, donghyuck is raped im sorry, mark comes to the rescue though just wait, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-08-25 20:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidstonem/pseuds/voidstonem
Summary: All Donghyuck wanted to do was fit in. That's why he ultimately decides to accompany his friends to a frat party. He realizes it was a bad decision when it's a little too late.orDonghyuck is raped at a party, and his entire world comes crashing down around him. Luckily, his best friends are there to pick up the pieces.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This chapter includes a rape scene and a mild anxiety attack. Please DO NOT read if you think this will trigger you in any way.
> 
> I also wanted to post a quick disclaimer here. I am in no way trying to sexualize Donghyuck or romanticize rape. This fic is purely about Donghyuck being put in a very unfortunate situation and the way his friends are able to help him.
> 
> If you're familiar with my other fics, you know all I do is write whump. It's a problem. I know. That being said, if you want to request a whump prompt, talk about nct, writing in general, or your OC's, you should hit me up on tumblr at https://voidstrays.tumblr.com/  
> I would love to talk with you.

Donghyuck doesn’t like parties all that much.

Nevertheless, it’s the first Friday night of the school year. More importantly, it’s the first big party of the school year. Renjun is convinced that going to this party will act as a rite of passage for them. They’re fresh meat, after all. 

They’re _freshmen._

If they want to to fit in at the university, they need to be social. Jaemin had said that.

So, Donghyuck lets Mark, Renjun, Jaemin, and Jeno convince him to go to the party. They spend a considerable amount of time getting ready beforehand. Donghyuck actually enjoys this part of the night. He likes experimenting with his clothing and putting new, unique outfits together. He’s always had an affinity for fashion and style. 

He’s just finishing applying his eyeliner when Mark knocks on the bathroom door.

“Are you ready to go, Hyuck?”

“Yeah I’ll be right out!” he yells. 

Donghyuck takes one last look in the mirror and smiles to himself. He looks good. 

He’s wearing a black pair of ripped skinny jeans with a baggy black t-shirt sloppily tucked into them. This particular shirt is one of his favorites. There are eye-popping pink and white flowers printed on the murky black fabric. It’s edgy, but still feminine and stylish. He finishes the look by throwing on a white unbuttoned dress shirt. His black converse high tops compliment the outfit well.

Donghyuck hurries down the stairs of the house he shares with his four friends. He’s not super excited about the party, but he does want to make friends. Mark, Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun are already in the car. As soon as he shuts the car door behind him, Jeno hits the gas and takes off down the road.

The party is at a frat house. 

_Of course it is._

The house is _huge_ , and there has to be _hundreds_ of people there.

They walk in the front door, and the atmosphere is overstimulating. There’s people everywhere laughing, dancing, and talking. The air smells thickly of alcohol and _is that weed?_

“Alright guys, remember, Renjun is the designated driver tonight,” says Mark

Renjun scowls, but takes the car keys Jeno holds out to him.

“Text the group chat if you need anything, yeah?” Jaemin says. With that, he disappears towards the crowd of people grinding in the living room.

Jeno and Renjun are quick to follow him, and Mark says something about trying to find one of his friends from high school before slipping out of the room.

Suddenly, Donghyuck is alone.

He decides to make his way to the makeshift dance floor in the backyard. If there’s one thing Donghyuck is good at, it’s dancing. 

His anxiety magnifies as he walks through the throngs of people chugging beer in the kitchen. Donghyuck has never really been good with large groups of people. The liveliness of the party puts him off, but he knows he can’t let it show. His stomach is churning and his heartbeat is rapidly intensifying, but he can’t let it show.

No, he needs to at least try to fit in.

When he reaches the congregation of people, he reluctantly slips into the crowd. Donghyuck starts swaying his body to the music because, well, that’s what everyone else is doing. 

Everyone’s bodies are touching, but he decides not to think about it too much. That’ll surely set his anxiety off.

It doesn’t take long for him to lose himself in the music. He lets his body move on its own. He’s a good dancer, after all. 

A nice looking girl grabs Donghyuck by the wrist and gives him a twirl, and Donghyuck laughs. He’s actually _having fun._

Donghyuck’s fun is short lived, though. After a few songs, he feels his breathing begin to get more and more shallow. He needs a break.

He just needs a moment to gather himself. _Anxiety is a bitch._

Donghyuck sits down on a bench at the edge the patio and takes a few deep breaths. He’s considering going to the kitchen and grabbing a drink to calm his nerves when he feels a hand on his shoulder. 

There’s suddenly a boy sitting next to him. He’s wearing a face mask. Donghyuck feels like a face mask is an odd thing to be wearing to a social event, but he ultimately brushes it off. Everyone has a different sense of fashion.

The guy hands him a cup.

“You look like you could use a drink,” the guy laughs.

Donghyuck freezes.

He is pretty thirsty, but is he really about to take a cup from a stranger? He came to this party to make friends, though. Wouldn’t it be rude to refuse this guy’s offer? He’s just trying to be friendly, right?

“What is it?” asks Donghyuck.

The guy chuckles behind his mask again.

“It’s _water_. Really, it is.”

Donghyuck lets out a sigh of relief and takes the cup. It’s just water. This guy probably saw him almost start hyperventilating a few moments before and just wanted to help.

Donghyuck takes the cup from the guy’s hand and takes a small sip. Sure enough, it tastes like water. He downs the rest of the cup in one go.

“What’s your name?” asks the stranger.

“Donghyuck. And you?” Donghyuck can’t stop the corners of his mouth from forming a smile. _He’s actually making friends._

But then, the boy just laughs again. Confusion floods Donghyuck’s mind because _why won’t he tell him his name?_

The guy says something about grabbing beers for the two of them before walking back towards the kitchen.

Donghyuck jumps to his feet to follow him, but suddenly everything is _spinning._  
_What the fuck?_

He falls back onto the bench and rubs his eyes. When he opens them again, all he sees is a blurred mess of color.

Donghyuck’s head is starting to pound, and when he tries to stand up again, he falls to his knees on the the ground.

This time, he doesn’t get up. He starts feeling around in his pockets for his phone, but when he finds it, he can barely make out the words on the screen. After a few agonizing seconds, he manages to pull up Mark’s contact. He’s about to press the call button when someone pulls him to his feet. He can just barely make out the boy in the face mask in front of him.

Donghyuck hurriedly shoves his phone back into his pocket, but he can feel his limbs starting to lose motor function. His mind is becoming increasingly foggy, and _why isn’t anyone helping him?_

_Oh right, everyone is drunk._

He feels himself being carried into the house. His heels are knocking against a hard surface and _is he being carried up stairs?_

Donghyuck tries to scream, but only a soft cry escapes his lips. A hand is then clamped firmly over his mouth, and that’s when Donghyuck realizes he’s been drugged.

Donghyuck’s worst fear is confirmed when he feels his back collide with a mattress.

He tries kicking his legs out in an attempt to hurt his attacker, but his legs feel like cement. His brain is clouded be a dense sheet of fog, and his limbs have pretty much lost all motor function.

His attacker flips him over onto his stomach and _pulls down his pants._

Donghyuck starts to cry. 

The next few minutes go by agonizingly slowly.

Donghyuck manages to gasp “ _stop!_ ” out few times before his vocal chords start growing too weak to make another sound. His attacker just clamps a hand over his mouth again. There’s nothing he can do.

His boxers are on the floor now, and he can feel his mind start separating itself from his limp body. Just as he thinks he must be about to dissociate, he feels the worst pain he’s ever felt in his life.

Donghyuck’s world shatters into smithereens around him.

The guy on top of him just shoved his dick into Donghyuck’s hole with _absolutely no preparation_. The pain is so intense and all-consuming that he’s sure he’ll pass out. His attacker digs his fingernails into Donghyuck’s back with each thrust.

_When did his shirt get on the floor?_

He feels completely and utterly revolted. The stranger gives a particularly forceful thrust, and Donghyuck nearly gags. There’s definitely something wet and sticky running down his thighs, and it takes him a few seconds to realize it must be blood.

Donghyuck feels like his skin is being torn apart. He’s not _entirely_ sure what sex is supposed to feel like, but he knows it’s not this.

He’s a _virgin._ Or, _he was._

Sex is supposed to feel good. Everyone involved is supposed to enjoy it.

Donghyuck is not enjoying this.

After the ninth or tenth thrust, Donghyuck begins to feel numb. It’s not like the pain is gone, though, because it’s not. And Donghyuck feels like it won’t be gone for quite a while.

His attacker tries sticking his tongue down Donghyuck’s throat as he gives one final thrust and climaxes inside of him. Donghyuck wants to throw up everything he’s eaten in the past _week._

His vision had been getting blurrier and blurrier since he was thrown onto the bed. Donghyuck grits his teeth as black spots begin dancing in front of his pupils.

He welcomes the darkness that suddenly engulfs him as he blacks out. He’s grateful for it, unlike the sex he was just forced to participate in. 

No, the _rape._

Donghyuck doesn’t like parties all that much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am back. Yes, I did just post a new chapter of my other fic yesterday and now I am here with another new chapter. Wow! I am on a roll. Except, all I do is write angsty messes. Oh well. I'm hoping at least some of you are here to suffer with me haha.
> 
> I've said it before and I'll say it again: Simon Says Is A Bop
> 
> Also, this fic, if you haven't already noticed, could potentially be extremely triggering to some people. Please click out of this if you think there is a possibility it could trigger you. Thanks!
> 
> Stay safe lovelies

The moment Donghyuck’s consciousness seeps back into him, he leans over the side of the bed and gags. He’s not entirely sure if it was his utter self-disgust that made him feel sick, or if it had something to do with the effects of the drugs that were undoubtedly still pumping through his veins.

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

He figures he couldn’t have been passed out for long because he can still hear music reverberating through the floorboards. No, the night is still young.

His attacker is nowhere to be found, though.

_Fuck._

Donghyuck needs to find his phone. He swings his legs over the side of the bed, but is met with excruciating pain. His ass actually feels like it’s on fire and he’s worried he won’t even be able to walk. 

Then, Donghyuck spots his phone on the floor next to his skinny jeans,

His _skinny jeans. On the floor._

He immediately bursts into tears. Donghyuck isn’t able to contain the sobs that wrack his body. His entire body is aching furiously, his mouth tastes like bile, and he feels completely and utterly defiled.

Donghyuck leans forward until his knees hit the carpet and he crawls over to his discarded clothes and phone. There are still thick streams of tears gushing from his eyes and he’s practically gnawing his bottom lip off trying to keep his cries of pain at bay. He’s thankful to see that his phone isn’t dead, and he selects the first contact that shows up on the screen with trembling fingers.

It’s Renjun.

Donghyuck frantically types a quick “im upstairs in a bedroom pls help,” and he’s _eternally grateful_ that Renjun reads the text almost instantly.

After Renjun replies with a brief “im coming,” Donghyuck decides he needs to try to get his clothes back on his body. 

He should at least _try_ to protect his dignity, right?

Then he remembers that his dignity was literally _just_ gruesomely defaced right before his eyes.

Donghyuck can’t get his boxers back on without looking down, and when he does, he almost gags again.

His thighs are painted with splatters of dried blood and _is that cum?_

He clenches his eyes shut and blindly tries to dress himself. _What is he even going to say to Renjun?_ There are a thousand thoughts swimming in Donghyuck’s mind right now, and he’s starting to feel lightheaded.

That could just be from the blood loss, though.

Right then, the door swings open. Donghyuck half expects to see his attacker in the doorway, and his heartbeat instantly accelerates.

It’s just Renjun, though. _Thank fuck for Huang Renjun._

“Hyuck, what—” 

Donghyuck watches Renjun’s gaze travel from his own face over to the bloodstained sheets crumpled up on the bed. His eyes widen in horror, and Donghyuck wants to disappear into nothingness.

_“Hyuck?”_

Donghyuck just looks at him with a sad, pained gaze.

“Renjun, _please_ , just...get me out of here.”

Renjun hoists Donghyuck up and swings his left arm over his own shoulder for support. Donghyuck can’t fight back the gasp of pain that escapes his lips when he rises to his feet.

It just hurts _so damn much._

All Donghyuck sees is a blur of color as Renjun guides him out of the rom, down the stairs, and through the front door. Suddenly, Renjun is setting him down in the front passenger seat of Jeno’s car. 

“I’m just going to get the others. I’ll be _right_ back,” says Renjun before taking off back towards the house.

Donghyuck feels so exhausted and painful and dizzy that he passes out before Renjun’s even through the front door.

~

When he wakes up again, it’s light outside. 

He recognizes his surroundings as the bedroom he shares with Mark heaves a sigh of relief.

But, then, Donghyuck realizes that _Mark isn’t in his bed._

He jumps to his feet and immediately regrets it. Pain shoots through him, and he has to steady himself by placing a hand on his nightstand. 

_Why does he feel so weak?_

Donghyuck thinks it might have something to do with the pain, or maybe the drugs. Or maybe the _trauma?_ He doesn’t know.

Every step he takes sends burning pain through his lower half, but Donghyuck does his best to ignore it.

He comes to realize that pain is _exceedingly difficult_ to ignore. 

He steps into the living room and sees all four of his roommates sitting around their old coffee table. They appear to be talking to each other in low voices, but the moment Donghyuck enters the room, they all stop.

Mark is the first to jump into action. Donghyuck is leaning heavily against the wall, and Mark must take it as his cue to step up. 

He helps guide Donghyuck to the couch. Donghyuck visibly winces when he sits down and he _really hopes Mark doesn’t notice._

But he does. Of course he does.

“How are you feeling, Donghyuck-ah?”

Donghyuck looks around. Jeno and Jaemin are clearly hungover, but they’re looking at him with sad eyes nonetheless. Renjun, though, looks hurt. And Mark, fuck, Mark is looking at him eyes full of fear.

He decides not to answer Mark’s question. What is he supposed to say? He feels sick.

“You need to tell us what happened, Hyuck. We can’t do anything until we know what happened,” says Renjun.

Donghyuck knows he can’t get around this part. And, frankly, he doesn’t want to. He needs to tell someone what happened to him. 

“I think I was drugged. And then he...raped me.”

 _Raped_. What an awful word.

“Who is ‘he,’ Donghyuck?” asks Mark. He tries and fails to mask the way his voice is quivering.

“I don’t know. He...I think he wore a face mask.”

“He never took it off?”

“No,” says Donghyuck, “Wait...yes. He must have because he—he shoved his tongue into my mouth.”

Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin simultaneously flinch at his words, and Mark turns to face Donghyuck. He holds out his arms and leans closer to him, but Donghyuck can’t help but flinch away from his approach. 

Mark looks _very_ hurt, and Donghyuck realizes he was just trying to comfort him with a hug.

He just can’t be touched right now. 

“Donghyuck,” Renjun starts again, “You need medical attention.”

_Why is Mark being so quiet?_

“I can’t afford it,” says Donghyuck, “You _know_ I can’t afford it, Renjun.”

“We’ll do something. We can find help. We have to do _something,_ Hyuck,” replies Renjun.

Everything is suddenly too much. He’s too overstimulated and there’s too many people. Donghyuck can’t remember the last thing he ate, but he _knows_ it’s making its way up his throat right now.

Someone kicks the waste bin over to him from the corner of the room. He thinks it must be Jeno being his quiet, observant self as always. Donghyuck is grateful that he isn’t about to puke all over their living room floor. Not that he has any dignity left to lose, anyway.

Mark must have gotten the message that Donghyuck doesn’t want to be touched because instead of stroking his back as he heaves, Mark decides to help by holding the bin under Donghyuck’s chin.

This is _not_ how he thought his first weekend as a college student would go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Please leave me feedback if you feel like it.
> 
> Also, hit me up on my horribly lame tumblr https://voidstrays.tumblr.com/ is you want to talk.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been WAYYY too long since I updated this, but hear me out here. I have been working full time since I got home for the holidays and have taken up a lovely routine of eat-work-sleep. Gotta pay for college somehow.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you are all well and that 2019 is treating you kindly so far. I am still very sad that Hyuck hurt his leg, but I hope he is recovering well. This chapter is short. I know. I am sorry, but it really sets up the markhyuck that will progress in this fic. Thanks so much for reading this. Really, it means a lot to me. Enjoy~

The nightmares are the worst, he thinks.

The first few nights Donghyuck spends in his own bed since the _incident_ are absolute hell. He somehow manages to fall asleep despite the overwhelming feelings of horror and disgust clouding his mind. He’s hurting, too, but Renjun had forced him to take some painkillers an hour earlier.

Before he’s able to fall into a restful slumber, menacing thoughts and images overpower his mind. 

There are suddenly sharp fingernails clawing at his back as pain erupts through his body. There’s a sweaty hand clamped over his mouth and an animalistic moan sounds in his ears. 

_Stop,_ he tries to say.

_Stop. Please._

_Get off of me._

_Stop._

_I don’t want this._

_Stop!_

His body is shaking violently when a soggy tongue infiltrates his mouth. Donghyuck starts kicking and flailing his limbs but someone wraps their arms around his body and stops him from moving.

There’s a plethora of emotions churning in his mind. Everything ranging from fear to disgust to helplessness is there, and it’s making him nauseous. 

“Hyuck,” a voice says, “It’s just me.”

It takes Donghyuck a few moments to realize that he knows this voice. This is not the voice of his rapist.

His eyes shoot open as he comes out of his nightmare, and he sees Mark facing him. Then, he realizes that the arms he had felt holding him in place were not the arms of his attacker. No, these arms were not meant to restrict him. They were meant to stop him from unintentionally hurting himself.

Mark has his arms cradling Donghyuck’s chest. He’s hugging Donghyuck close and whispering something, but Donghyuck can’t make it out.

He loves Mark, really, he does. But he just _cannot_ he touched right now.

It’s too much.

He unwraps Mark’s arms from his body a little more aggressively than he means to. Mark looks visibly hurt, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he sits at the edge of Donghyuck’s bed at a distance where he’s not touching any part of the younger’s body.

“Are you okay?” Mark asks him

 _What a stupid question._.

Donghyuck just nods. His heart is beating erratically, he’s sweating through his nightshirt, and there’s nausea bubbling in his gut. He’s awake now, though, which means he’s away from that bedroom and that party. He’s away from his rapist now, so he supposes he’s okay. He’s as okay as he can be right now.

_Right?_

“Do you want to talk about it? Your nightmare?”

He doesn’t want to talk about it, but he also doesn’t want to go back to sleep. So, despite the nausea threatening to spill, he opens his mouth.

“Hyung...everytime I close my eyes, I’m back at that—that party. It’s _killing_ me.”

Mark nods in understanding and grabs for his phone on the nightstand between his and Donghyuck’s beds. For a moment Donghyuck thinks he might call someone, but then sees that Mark is just scrolling endlessly.

He can’t help but think that _now is not the time to browse Facebook, hyung._

But then, Mark stops scrolling abruptly and gives the screen a gentle tap. He turns his phone so it’s facing Donghyuck and, despite how horrible he is feeling, Donghyuck can’t help but crack a smile at what he sees.

It’s a photo from Mark’s instagram feed from a couple of months back. 

No, it’s not just a photo.

It’s perceptible proof that the best day of Donghyuck’s life did, indeed, happen.

In the foreground of the image, Donghyuck is sporting a deep blue graduation gown and cap. He’s clutching a bouquet of lilies because those are his favorite, and Mark knows it. In the photo, Mark has his arm around Donghyuck’s waist. In the background, he can just barely make out Jeno and Jaemin hugging each other while Renjun laughs in the distance.

It was a good day. No, it wasn’t just _good_. It was the first day Donghyuck actually felt like his life was going somewhere. On that day, he knew that in a few months he would be living with his best friends and working hard to turn his dreams into reality. 

Donghyuck did not know, however, that he would end up going through something as gruesome and degrading as rape. For this reason, he is unable to stop the tears that welling up in his eyes.

Mark sets his phone in front of Donghyuck’s lap with the photo still pulled up on the screen.

“Hyuck, I _need_ you to know that when you’re asleep, you are not back at that party. You will never be back at that party. That party is not your reality,” Mark gestures back towards the photo on his phone, “ _That_ is your reality. We are here for you, hyuck. _I_ am here for you. We can get through this together. I know you’re more than strong enough to.”

At that moment, it’s as is Mark’s words unhinged Donghyuck’s floodgate of tears. Before he could stop himself, he’s practically crying a river as tear after tear cascades down his cheek.

He doesn’t think he deserves Mark. No, Mark is perfect and he himself is disgusting and worthless.

_Disgusting and worthless._

“Whenever you feel yourself going back to that party, I want you to look at this photo. What happened in that bedroom doesn’t define you, Hyuck. Your recovery is all that matters now, okay?” Mark continues.

Donghyuck nods. 

Mark wants him to be strong. So when Mark leans in cautiously for a huge, Donghyuck lets himself be embraced in his hyung’s arms. It’s a small step, but it’s all he can manage right now.

For the first time since that fateful night, Mark is looking him in the eye. 

For the first time since that fateful night, Donghyuck doesn’t feel completely and utterly vulnerable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for bearing with me. Let me know what you think in the comments if you can <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot second. Here, have some angst! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I am really sorry it has been so long. I love all of you. 
> 
> Also NCT is coming to Chicago on May 7 and that is a Tuesday and I have class so I can't go :'))))))))))))

There’s only _so much_ moving on a person can do when they’ve had a traumatic experience. 

Donghyuck learns this the hard way.

He goes to his classes and sits in the corner of each lecture hall. Sometimes another student will sit next to him. Sometimes he’ll sit alone.

He prefers to sit alone.

There was a rather unfortunate instance where the student next to him, Jungwoo he thinks he said his name was, accidentally let his pen roll to Donghyuck’s side of the table. Being the courteous young man he his, Donghyuck reached out for the pen so he could kindly return it to the nice-looking boy beside him.

Unfortunately for Donghyuck, Jungwoo also reached out for his pen. Their fingers touched ever so briefly, but they touched nonetheless.

Donghyuck felt all of the air immediately leave his lungs. 

He had pulled his hand away instantly and let Jungwoo reclaim his pen himself. He doesn’t think he’s had skin-to-skin contact since the night Mark walked in on him having a nightmare and decided to hug him. 

Donghyuck knows that Jungwoo guy isn’t his attacker. He knows Jungwoo wasn’t reaching for his hand so he could pin him down and rape him.

 _He_ knows all of those things, but his body doesn’t.

So, he had tried his best to play it off cool and shoot Jungwoo a smile. He’d probably never sit next to him in lecture again anyway. For the remaining thirty-seven minutes of the class period, though, Donghyuck’s heart was hammering violently in his chest. He hopes no one ended up noticing how he’d broken out into a cold sweat in the middle of his English lecture. 

~

When he returns home from his last class of the day, Donghyuck is extremely relieved. It’s been exactly one week since the incident, which means it is officially the weekend. He won’t have to worry about having panic attacks during his lectures or accidentally bumping into someone and bursting into tears for _two whole days._

His relief is short lived, though, because as soon as he steps foot inside of the house, Donghyuck’s nose is bombarded by the overwhelming smell of kimchi. 

He treads carefully into the kitchen and sees Renjun preparing dish after dish of kimchi stew before handing the bowls off to Jaemin, who places them on their dining room table. Mark and Jeno are chatting animatedly while waiting for their food.

Donghyuck’s heart almost skips a beat as he puts two and two together.

_How could he forget?_

It’s been one week since the day he was raped. Therefore, it’s _Friday._ The _first_ Friday since the party.

Friday is the only day of the week he, Mark, Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun are all finished with class by 5pm. They have a tradition of eating dinner together every Friday night because it’s the week day they are all in the house at dinner time.

Donghyuck had been avoiding food almost entirely for the past week. He’d been living off of light snacks like crackers and apple slices because they’re the only things he can stomach. And, he hates to say it, but Donghyuck kind of likes the way being hungry feels. When he feels hungry, he can’t focus on much of anything else. The hunger almost seems to numb his pain, and Donghyuck likes it.

He would even hide away in his room every evening and shrug off Mark and Renjun’s attempts to coax him out for dinner. He’d tell them he already ate on campus. Somehow, they believed him.

There’s no way Donghyuck can avoid this, though. He could tell them he’s feeling sick, but Donghyuck knows he’s already used that excuse more than a few times this week. He could tell them the truth, he thinks. He could just tell them he’s been struggling with with food since the incident.

As much as he wants to tell his friends the truth, there’s a voice in the back of his mind telling him he _can’t_. There’s a voice in the back of his head telling him he should be over this by now. It’s been a whole _week_. They’ll probably think he’s weak if he tells them the truth, Donghyuck thinks. 

So, Donghyuck shrugs off his backpack and takes his usual seat at the table next to Mark. He laughs at the dumb joke Jeno is telling and smiles when Mark asks him how he’s doing. He thanks Jaemin for the soda he’s handed and tells Renjun the food smells great.

For a few glorious moments, everything feels normal.

Then, Jaemin hands the last two bowls of food to Mark and Donghyuck. Everyone else starts to dig in immediately, so Donghyuck figures he better follow suit in order to avoid any suspicion. 

The food tastes great. It really does. The moment the first piece of kimchi slides down his throat though, Donghyuck can feel his stomach start to churn uncomfortable.

Now, though, Donghyuck is determined. He’s _determined_ to keep it down because he really doesn’t want to disappoint Renjun. And . Mark thinks he’s making progress since he hasn’t had a nightmare in _two whole nights._

Donghyuck really wants to keep his streak going.

So, he finishes his whole bowl. And it feels great.

Jaemin is tossing around the idea of putting on a movie. Renjun suggests they rewatch the first two seasons of _Stranger Things,_ and Jeno is quick to agree. Mark asks Donghyuck what he wants to watch, but Donghyuck pretends he doesn’t hear him.

That feeling of triumph Donghyuck had had a moment ago is gone in an instant because he can feel the food sitting heavily in his stomach.

And it feels so wrong. Donghyuck glances down to wear his hand is resting on his thigh and _oh god._

He can feel a wave of nausea crash through him at full force as he thinks about the still-visible bruises resting just under his jeans.

Mark starts saying something else to him. There’s a concerned look in his eyes, but Donghyuck doesn’t have the chance to dwell on it. He’s on his feet in an instant and he doesn’t know how, but he manages to make it to the small bathroom in their shared house. 

Donghyuck doesn’t have the energy to shut the bathroom door. The lock broke a long time ago, anyway.

He hates throwing up. He knows everyone probably hates it, but he _really, really_ hates it.

Donghyuck can’t do anything about it, though, because Renjun’s kimchi stew is expelling itself violently out of his mouth. His body convulses forcefully as he retches, and Donghyuck feels miserable. 

A few seconds later, he hears Mark throw the door open. Donghyuck is still gagging, and there’s still soggy, vile chunks of kimchi and tofu splattering against the sides of the toilet bowl. 

And, once again, Mark is there to see him at his worst.

Mark is kneeling next to him now. Donghyuck sees him raise his hand and move it towards his back. Just as he’s about to start rubbing soothing circles on Donghyuck’s back, he pulls his hand away.

It’s such a small, insignificant motion, but Donghyuck doesn’t let it go unnoticed. He’s grateful that Mark remembered he doesn’t like to be touched. Especially at a time like this. He’s trying to get used to Mark’s touches, but he just _can’t_ right now.

It takes a few more agonizing minutes for Donghyuck retches to wane. Mark just kneels next to him, watching as Donghyuck’s dry heaves begin to dwindle.

Donghyuck feels like crying, and he can’t stop his tears from falling.

“It’s okay, Hyuck,” whispers Mark, “I’m here. It’s okay, really.”

It’s not okay, though, because Donghyuck isn’t okay. 

He can’t eat without feeling nauseous, he’s always on edge, and the thought of being touched makes him want to crawl in a hole and die. 

“I just want to be normal again,” Donghyuck chokes out between sobs, “I don’t know how to… _live_ like this. I just—I _can’t._ ”

Mark nods gently in understanding and glances around the room. He reaches past Donghyuck and flushes the toilet before wetting a washcloth and gingerly handing it to the younger boy. Donghyuck wipes his face with it, and Mark takes it from him when he’s finished.

“Come on, it smells like vomit in here. Let’s go watch a movie in our room. I’ll even bring you a glass of ginger-ale to settle your stomach. How does that sound?” says Mark slowly.

Donghyuck thinks it sounds perfect. He thinks, with Mark’s help, he might be able to feel better.

He decides, from this point on, to stop trying to force himself to get better. He needs time. 

Time and Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please drop a comment if you want

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I've been wanting to write a fic like this for a long time, but I've always been kind of scared to do it. Please leave me feedback if you feel like it. I love you all :)


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